Theres been this feeling lately, which I can't quite put my finger on. Discontemptment? Depression? Dissociation? God forbid, boredom?? Whatever it may be, clinically undiagnosed or not, I know the remedy to this ever present feeling is something probably integral to my being. Making videos. Tranny makes content I know, but it's actually taken me a while to come to terms with exactly what types of videos to make. "Hey I like things, why dont I share what I like about them?" has been a loaded question from the jump, because how do I talk about it? In what context, do I want it to be an intellectual discussion or a shitpost? Does the type of post determine its quality (absolutely not)? You can quickly see how the simple act of creating has me unraveling. But at this point, unmedicated and unwilling to take this creative drought any longer, I have taken it upon myself to go on this very noble and not at all self-aggrandizing mission to try and make things. Y'know, the shit humans have been doing since literally ever.
Tried playing Monster Hunter Stories 3 and after only 2 hours my takeaway was: its very pretty but I'd literally be playing any other game right now its not even an interesting disappointment, its just another game added to the list of "beloved series being picked up and put through the AAA gaming machine polisher making it feel like another derivative work to cash in on an IP." The second u could FLY from the START of the game and it was boring?? Told me everything I knew but I held out hope for the next hour. I need to replay the beginning of MHS 2 to see if I was smoking crack or smth that made me love that game for a week. List of JRPG's to play that have some sauce:
In light of uhm... me being bored, I have decided to make some renovations around here! Pretty up whatever it is I wanna do for my short itsy bitsy updates. Cause lord I wanna sprue this place up at least a little bit. It won't be a diary exactly, just a dumping ground. Arlgithy! Inventory!
FFXIII had me by the balls today. Idk what it is, but suddenly the gameplay just finally clicked. Managing the paradigm shift system, updating the crystarium, checking the datalogs, and being rewarded by a nice beautiful cutscene. Having it all come together in such a beautiful package, ugh.
I got the inclination a while back, to revisit one more time. It's been eating away at me and I kept saying "no not yet, you have Xenogears!" But then that game too, turned into an exposition fest with little substance. I'm sure it'll get the FFXIII treatment later on in its shelfspace in my vita, but until then its doomed to the backlog.
Then I told myself "Ohhh but what about an smt game!" but those too didn't latch on correctly. I booted up soulhackers and immediately lost my appetite. Finally, today, I decided to give that "FFXIII MOVIE" video that's been sitting in my watched later a watch. If I wasn't gonna play it, at least I'd like to have the story down.
And as I was watching that video, I realized! I want to play Final Fantasy Thirteen!!! The characters were charming, the vista's beautiful, and the plot, while not my favorite part, wasn't obtrusive! So as I hopped back into the seat, and it all came back; I had such a good time. I really don't think the pictures can do it justice, something about this game keeps calling back to me like a siren. And I think I've fallen for it, delusional or not, it's something I'm so happy about.
Lightning is such a cutie, with her little cracks showing through trying to raise Hope, acting both as a foil and a chance for her to teach him what she's also in the process of learning.
Sazh and Vanille have a cute back and forth, but I'm at the point that I really wish the pretenses of Vanille's character were dropped. But I'm in good faith assuming it's for a bigger payoff. She obviously has something to do with Pulse and the instigator of events, but I don't know exactly how. And Sazh is a charming enough character of his own, trying to be the straight man of the group. As much of an impossible task that is.
And Snow is very much someone I'm looking forward to proving his character. He's a wannabe action hero that gets shown time and time again that even in this fantastical, anime-ism's story there is weight and consequences to one's actions. That the decisions a wannabe leader makes does in fact let other people get hurt in his shortsightedness. More than anything I'm excited to see his character be torn down, and if not him then the people around him slapping him awake.
Also that australian lady is so hot.
Another mention as a footnote, the monster designs are so insane. I love all of them, but especially the weird turtle boss that changes elements?? That's such a good test to see if the player has a grasp on the paradigm shift system, and how important it is to upgrade the crystarium.
Overall, I'm excited. I haven't been this quietly but ecstatically entertained in a while, and just getting to play the game is reward enough for me. Oh wait, that's just what games are supposed to be... right?
Once again tried to take on the monumental task of deleting social media and I couldn't do it...
I know I know! I hate social media as a concept too. Everything being centralized into one point, expression regulated to simple to algorithmic content. Not art, content. Many people have said this time and time again, but oh my god I feel like I'm lost without something of a social connection to my interests. I've realized I NEVER get into online communities, mostly from a childhood habit of being scared of being judged. So most of my interaction with interests has never been in taking apart of... anything. And that really peeves me off! I want to be a part of a community, something! This site was supposed to be the first step into removing myself from social media, giving my thoughts and random holes of information a place to sit. A way to actualize myself, validate my identity as someone who exists. But I'm so elusive to myself. Not having inst*gram for a single day really sent me through more of a loop than I want to admit.
And that's exactly why I want to break away from it! This horrifying reliance of my own existence hinging on the ad revenue of mr zuck himself. I think back on what I used to think about and it was IDEAS, things for me to do, concepts I wanted to bring to life. A shitty youtube video, a small doodle, a little blurb about whatever I'm playing, an in depth analysis of my favorite thing, a takedown of an offensively inept series, I feel almost ROBBED I never made a "The Good, the Bad, The Ugly of (blank)." I'm feeling my brain deteriorate and it's scaring me. I could've learned languages with the time I spent on those apps. Drawn an emotional support OC. But now, every thought I have is through the lense of the new Net. Not the Old Net, where all that mattered is that it existed for you and the people you hope it would be able to reach. I'm sad about watching myself wither away.
The problem isn't that I'm chronically online. I think it's amazing how easy it is to find inspiration, like-minded people, new friends, new art that reaches into your chest and pumps new blood into your veins, forever changed on a cellular level. It's my own unwillingness to ween off the big tit with nice blue veins of social media. Discords are intimidating, posting is scary, and algorithms rot me to my core. But if I don't stop it now, I'm scared I'll atrophe my brain into submission.
Topics for next time: